Witty Quotes and Sayings

You never learn anything by doing it right.

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow. If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

“I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty… But I am too busy thinking about myself.” – Edith Sitwell

“Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.” – Mark Twain

“If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.” – Ted Turner

“There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth.” – Agnes Repplier

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.” – Oscar Wilde

“It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.” – George Bernard Shaw

“A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.” – Arthur Brisbane

“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant

“We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” – Will Rogers

“If I had a dollar for every time someone made fun of me in high school-oh wait, I do!” – Bill Gates

“We are here on earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don't know.” – W. H. Auden

“Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on our own bottom.” – Michel de Montagne

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.” – William G. McAdoo

“I assure you, an educated fool is more foolish than an uneducated one.” – Jean Baptiste Molière

Join the army, meet people, make new friends… and kill them.

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Contradiction in terms: civil war.

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.” – Philip K. Dick

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” – Carl Gustav Jung

“Anyone who isn't confused, really doesn't understand the situation.” – Edward R. Murrow

If nobody is perfect, I must be nobody.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“Trouble defies the law of gravity. It's easier to pick up than to drop.” – Johathan Raban

“My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.” – Charles Barkley

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

People who think they're superior are exceedingly annoying to those of us who really are.

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher… and that is a good thing for any man.” – Socrates

“Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.” – Bertrand Russell

“Reality I can handle in small doses, but as a lifestyle, I find it a bit too confining.”  -Tony Prentiss

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

“An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.” – Shelda Parsnip

“Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.” – H. L. Mencken

“You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners.” – Rita Mae Brown

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. - Ashleigh Brilliant

It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. - Paul Newman

It's a catastrophic success.

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. - Stephen Bishop

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. - Abba Eban

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. - Groucho Marx

The 100% American is 99% idiot.

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Victor Borge

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

You have delighted us long enough. - Jane Austen

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.

You can't be late until you show up.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia; I think it was on a Sunday.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

I once prayed to god for a car, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He's so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

“Enlightenment comes when your third eye is at one with your turd eye and you can see your own shit.” – Christopher Wynter

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill

“Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.” – Jim Slattery

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get corrupted even though he is certain you would be.

I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Politicians & diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason.

“Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied.” – Otto Von Bismark

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I'd love to have a battle of wits with you… but I hate to fight the unarmed.

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” – William James

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